I’m “On Track” to Write a Post Bitching About Verizon

I’ve been traveling a lot this month, so I’ve been using my cell phone a bit more than normal (some work conference calls; some “why the hell aren’t you at the airport to pick me up yet, jackass!” calls). Today, I received the following text from Verizon:

Your account is on track to exceed your voice minutes this month. Call 866-884-2813 for a price plan evaluation.

My initial thought was, “What fine customer service there. Thanks, Verizon!” Then I went to the Verizon site to check my usage. Turns out, I’m already at 550 minutes for the month. My monthly allowance is 450 minutes.

Wow, I wonder what gave them an indication that I was “on track” to shatter my minute limit. Maybe the fact that I was already 100 minutes over (at 45 cents/minute) at the time!

Note to Verizon: When one has already done something, one is no longer “on track” to do it. It’s done. At what point did you geniuses note that Cal Ripken was “on track” to break Lou Gehrig’s streak? Game 2,137? 2,498?

(And fix your website while you’re at it, F-tards. It shouldn’t take two logins and 90 seconds for you to access my account information.)

All This Fuss Over Jeff Fisher? Really?

Posted by Irregaahhdless

It seems to me that Fisher’s gotten a lot of mileage out of barely losing the Super Bowl to the Rams. (Side note: Anyone who says that the Titans lost that game “by a yard” is an f-ing moron. First off, just because Kevin Dyson stretched the ball to within a yard of the goal line doesn’t mean that’s where the refs would have spotted the ball if time hadn’t run out. He was actually down about the two-yard line. Second, the Titans were down by seven at the time. So the TD wouldn’t have won the game for them, as folks seem to suggest it would. So I’d like the 11 Titans fans who make this claim to shut up now. Thank you.) And, besides that, wasn’t that game, like, a decade ago?

Even if Super Bowl XXXIV isn’t the reason Fisher has stuck around so long, I think everyone can agree that the Titans flat-out suck this season. Sunday’s 59-0 loss to the Patriots saw more than a few players simply going through the motions and looking like they’d prefer to be anywhere but a snowy football field in Foxboro.

Look, a beard! How gritty! Would you like an undeserved three-year extension?

Yet, despite being at the helm of a football team that’s terrible and has no apparent interest in, you know, actually playing football, Fisher seems above reproach. (On today’s episode of “Pardon the Interruption,” Peter King, Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon seemed so distraught at the very notion that the Titans could be considering firing Fisher that you’d almost expect them to hold a telethon if the axe fell. And they’re not the only ones.) And I guess my question is: Why the hell is that?

In 14 full seasons and parts of two others as Oilers/Titans coach (Fisher coached the final six games of 1994 and the first six of 2009), Fisher has assembled a career record of 128-108. For the sake of doing some easy math, let’s say he goes 2-2 (yeah, that’s probably too generous, but whatever) in his next four games. That would leave his lifetime regular-season mark at 130-110 through 15 full seasons. That’s an average of 8.67 wins against 7.33 losses a year.

As Bill Parcells once said, “You are what your record says you are.” And, over the past 15 seasons, Jeff Fisher’s record shows that he’s a smidge above average as a football coach. So the Titans should definitely keep him — provided they’ve enjoyed 15 years of inconsistent results. (Oh and early playoff losses. Don’t forget those!)

Folks can go on an on about what a “tough” coach Jeff Fisher is and how great it is that he “respects the game” and how he’s the “longest-tenured coach in the league.” Whatever. All that means is that the Titans have had a mediocre coach who yells at guys for a long time. Good for them.

Just Get a Messenger Bag, For Chrissakes!

Posted by Irregaahhdless

I judge people. All the time. I’m really good at it. And I make large, sweeping generalizations at the same time. Here’s one:

If you use a wheeled briefcase, I hate you.

We’ve got a few folks toting these around the office. Every time I see them, I think to myself:

a. Are you really taking that much work home?

b. Is a shoulder strap really all that taxing?

c. Why do I find you reprehensible?

d. Seriously, what the hell are you toting around in that thing? I’ve had meetings with you. You’re an idiot. You can’t be lugging around anything that’s worthwhile. Does your lunch weigh 78 pounds or something?

Anyway, F you, wheeled briefcase users. You are the recumbent bicyclists of the working set.

Redskins in Trade Talks for Raiders’ Pigeon

Posted by KilgoreTroutIII

According to a Redskins source, Daniel Snyder is negotiating with Al Davis in an attempt to trade for the Raiders’ special teams pigeon who was the star of yesterday’s Eagles-Raiders game.

Without a playbook in his language, the pigeon lined up on the 20 for the kickoff and flew perfectly  in formation with the Raiders to the 20 at the other end, watched to be sure the tackle was made, and then went back to pecking the turf.

See the full post and the video at Surrounded By ‘Skins.

What Was That Purple Blur? And Where’s My Jock?

Posted by KilgoreTroutIII

Jeremy Kerley confirmed his ticket to the NFL with this punt return for the TCU Horned Frogs in their 44-6 win over Colorado State Saturday. This clip doesn’t show it, but a lot of Rams were looking around for their jocks after they pulled their embarrassed butts off the turf.

See the full post and the video at The TCU Horned Blog.

Cowboys vs. Nobody: Bye Week Cheat Sheet

Posted by SuckaFish

The Cowboys are off this week. It’s your chance to use the RedZone Channel and the Sunday Ticket to the fullest of your abilities despite the fact that DirecTV is going to use this time to screw you unmercifully.

Get everything you need to read before next week’s Cowboys kickoff at Surrounded by ‘Skins.

Week 6 NFL Picks: Me vs. a Two Year Old

Posted by SuckaFish

Each week I’ll be picking games in a head-to-head competition with an intellectual equal, my two-year-old daughter. I put the logos of the two teams playing each other on the screen and she pointed to (this week there was a lot of “go away bird” or “go away man”) the team she prefers.

See the picks at Surrounded by ‘Skins.

DirecTV Rewards Your Loyalty by Trying to Steal $10 a Month From You

Posted by Irregaahhdless

The lads at Deadspin already tore DirecTV a new one earlier this week. (Go read that. Really. I don’t mind. It’s excellent.) But in honor of my buddy Marc getting DirecTV installed at his new house today (in 43-degree, rainy weather to boot; no chance that goes well), I serve up this story as more proof that if DirecTV ever loses the rights to Sunday Ticket, they’ll be in business for roughly 11 more days, tops.

So I go online this morning to get my DirecTV bill. Since I’m equal parts OCD and cheap, I scour every line to see what’s F-ed up. They don’t disappoint. I see the following item on there:

09/01  11/30  SPORTS Loyalty Gift: 3 Months Free    0.00

Since I had to call DirecTV anyway to cancel HBO and Cinemax now that my “three months at half-price” deal is over (DirecTV won’t let you cancel these things online, since that would deny the customer of a quick, easy transaction without being read a 250-word script about all the championship boxing I’ll miss when I cancel; and, really, who’d want that?), I ask: “What the hell is this Sports Loyalty Gift?”

As it turns out, I’ve been getting the Sports Pack for free for a month and a half now. (Goddammit! How many motocross marathons have I been missing on the Speed Network?) And I’ll continue to get it for free for another month and a half. Of course:

a. I don’t recall receiving any notification about this. (I mean, maybe they sent me a message on the TV about it. But does anyone ever check those things?)

b. I ask the woman, “At the end of the three months, will this just stop showing up? Or do I have to call and cancel?”

The answer to the latter is, of course, that I have to call and cancel. If I don’t, I’ll be charged for the Sports Pack until I call and cancel it. And I can’t tell the woman on the phone right now, “Please cancel it on 11/29.” Apparently, that’s not possible. (Seriously, it’s really going to be something when DirecTV’s billing system moves off that lone Commodore 64.)

So, basically, DirecTV is preying on my “loyalty” by giving me something I don’t want and then continuing to charge me after the item I didn’t want in the first place isn’t free any more. Why don’t they just reward my loyalty by punching me in the dick?

You Know How I Know I’m Gay?

Posted by SuckaFish

To be fair, the can I have is not pink. It's some slightly neutral shade.

I’ve used Edge Gel for the last 15 years or so. My wife came home from Costco recently with a new brand for me. It’s called Skintimate. It looked a slight bit feminine but I’m a guy so if it’s there, I use it. Then I noticed the particular type was called Soothing Escape. OK, it’s definitely gay but what am I going to do, return it? Seems like a lot of work. So, I went looking for an image for this post and realized the site says Shaving Legs by Skintimate. I checked the can and it does say that it will make my legs incredibly smooth.

By the way, it does a great job and my face has never felt better.

UPDATE
I was concerned that the “Soothing Escape” fragrance would overpower my Fig + Shea Butter body wash. Great news, the (leg) shaving cream’s essence is amazingly subtle and compliments the “soap” very well.

Midnight Madness: Terps Preseason Rankings

Posted by SuckaFish

Greivis says the rankings are this far apart.

Midnight Madness happens in College Park Friday night. Here’s how the experts around the country, and some total f-tards, rank the Terps this preseason. The best is #17, the worst is #45. And Dick Vitale had problems typing from his knees under Coach K.’s desk.

Read the full post at Route 1 to Lot 1.