Monthly Archives: October 2009

I’m “On Track” to Write a Post Bitching About Verizon

I’ve been traveling a lot this month, so I’ve been using my cell phone a bit more than normal (some work conference calls; some “why the hell aren’t you at the airport to pick me up yet, jackass!” calls). Today, I received the following text from Verizon:

Your account is on track to exceed your voice minutes this month. Call 866-884-2813 for a price plan evaluation.

My initial thought was, “What fine customer service there. Thanks, Verizon!” Then I went to the Verizon site to check my usage. Turns out, I’m already at 550 minutes for the month. My monthly allowance is 450 minutes.

Wow, I wonder what gave them an indication that I was “on track” to shatter my minute limit. Maybe the fact that I was already 100 minutes over (at 45 cents/minute) at the time!

Note to Verizon: When one has already done something, one is no longer “on track” to do it. It’s done. At what point did you geniuses note that Cal Ripken was “on track” to break Lou Gehrig’s streak? Game 2,137? 2,498?

(And fix your website while you’re at it, F-tards. It shouldn’t take two logins and 90 seconds for you to access my account information.)


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All This Fuss Over Jeff Fisher? Really?

Posted by Irregaahhdless

It seems to me that Fisher’s gotten a lot of mileage out of barely losing the Super Bowl to the Rams. (Side note: Anyone who says that the Titans lost that game “by a yard” is an f-ing moron. First off, just because Kevin Dyson stretched the ball to within a yard of the goal line doesn’t mean that’s where the refs would have spotted the ball if time hadn’t run out. He was actually down about the two-yard line. Second, the Titans were down by seven at the time. So the TD wouldn’t have won the game for them, as folks seem to suggest it would. So I’d like the 11 Titans fans who make this claim to shut up now. Thank you.) And, besides that, wasn’t that game, like, a decade ago?

Even if Super Bowl XXXIV isn’t the reason Fisher has stuck around so long, I think everyone can agree that the Titans flat-out suck this season. Sunday’s 59-0 loss to the Patriots saw more than a few players simply going through the motions and looking like they’d prefer to be anywhere but a snowy football field in Foxboro.

Look, he's got a beard! How gritty! Would you like an undeserved three-year extension?

Look, a beard! How gritty! Would you like an undeserved three-year extension?

Yet, despite being at the helm of a football team that’s terrible and has no apparent interest in, you know, actually playing football, Fisher seems above reproach. (On today’s episode of “Pardon the Interruption,” Peter King, Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon seemed so distraught at the very notion that the Titans could be considering firing Fisher that you’d almost expect them to hold a telethon if the axe fell. And they’re not the only ones.) And I guess my question is: Why the hell is that?

In 14 full seasons and parts of two others as Oilers/Titans coach (Fisher coached the final six games of 1994 and the first six of 2009), Fisher has assembled a career record of 128-108. For the sake of doing some easy math, let’s say he goes 2-2 (yeah, that’s probably too generous, but whatever) in his next four games. That would leave his lifetime regular-season mark at 130-110 through 15 full seasons. That’s an average of 8.67 wins against 7.33 losses a year.

As Bill Parcells once said, “You are what your record says you are.” And, over the past 15 seasons, Jeff Fisher’s record shows that he’s a smidge above average as a football coach. So the Titans should definitely keep him — provided they’ve enjoyed 15 years of inconsistent results. (Oh and early playoff losses. Don’t forget those!)

Folks can go on an on about what a “tough” coach Jeff Fisher is and how great it is that he “respects the game” and how he’s the “longest-tenured coach in the league.” Whatever. All that means is that the Titans have had a mediocre coach who yells at guys for a long time. Good for them.

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Just Get a Messenger Bag, For Chrissakes!

Posted by Irregaahhdless

I judge people. All the time. I’m really good at it. And I make large, sweeping generalizations at the same time. Here’s one:

If you use a wheeled briefcase, I hate you.


We’ve got a few folks toting these around the office. Every time I see them, I think to myself:

a. Are you really taking that much work home?

b. Is a shoulder strap really all that taxing?

c. Why do I find you reprehensible?

d. Seriously, what the hell are you toting around in that thing? I’ve had meetings with you. You’re an idiot. You can’t be lugging around anything that’s worthwhile. Does your lunch weigh 78 pounds or something?

Anyway, F you, wheeled briefcase users. You are the recumbent bicyclists of the working set.

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Redskins in Trade Talks for Raiders’ Pigeon

Posted by KilgoreTroutIII

According to a Redskins source, Daniel Snyder is negotiating with Al Davis in an attempt to trade for the Raiders’ special teams pigeon who was the star of yesterday’s Eagles-Raiders game.

Without a playbook in his language, the pigeon lined up on the 20 for the kickoff and flew perfectly  in formation with the Raiders to the 20 at the other end, watched to be sure the tackle was made, and then went back to pecking the turf.

See the full post and the video at Surrounded By ‘Skins.

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What Was That Purple Blur? And Where’s My Jock?

Posted by KilgoreTroutIII

Jeremy Kerley confirmed his ticket to the NFL with this punt return for the TCU Horned Frogs in their 44-6 win over Colorado State Saturday. This clip doesn’t show it, but a lot of Rams were looking around for their jocks after they pulled their embarrassed butts off the turf.

See the full post and the video at The TCU Horned Blog.

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Cowboys vs. Nobody: Bye Week Cheat Sheet

Posted by SuckaFish

The Cowboys are off this week. It’s your chance to use the RedZone Channel and the Sunday Ticket to the fullest of your abilities despite the fact that DirecTV is going to use this time to screw you unmercifully.

Get everything you need to read before next week’s Cowboys kickoff at Surrounded by ‘Skins.

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Week 6 NFL Picks: Me vs. a Two Year Old

Posted by SuckaFish

Each week I’ll be picking games in a head-to-head competition with an intellectual equal, my two-year-old daughter. I put the logos of the two teams playing each other on the screen and she pointed to (this week there was a lot of “go away bird” or “go away man”) the team she prefers.

See the picks at Surrounded by ‘Skins.

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