Tag Archives: things I hate

Before You Even Start, Shut the Hell Up

Posted by Irregaahhdless

I’m already bracing for it — the backlash that’s sure to come from Wes Welker’s apparent season-ending injury today. In fact, as I’m typing this, I’m positive that Dan Shaughnessy is licking the stamp on his column that will include statements like:

a. “What was Belichick thinking playing Welker?”

b. An allusion to Belichick having lost his touch. (First the Colts game earlier this year and now this.)

c. Some out-of-date reference to Larry Bird.

Of course I’m bummed that the ghost of a chance that the Pats had to make a run in the playoffs disappeared during one awkward cut on the Reliant Stadium turf. But in no way am I (nor should any clear-thinking Pats fan) think that Welker being the game was the wrong decision.

First off, the play happened on the Patriots’ first drive of the game. Even notorious close-to-the-vest coach Jim Caldwell had his starters in during the first quarter of a snowstorm (considering the footing, you have to imagine there was a much higher injury risk in Buffalo today). And the bottom line is this isn’t college with 100-player rosters and ample subs. You can only dress 45 on game days in the NFL. You’re always going to have some starters in the game. (Additionally, the Pats play many three-receiver sets and only have six receivers on the roster — two of whom are really just special teams guys just happen to have “WR” next to their name on the roster.)

Secondly, the injury was a fluke. If Welker had been getting tackled or was blown up while returning a punt, there’s at least a bit of an argument. But this happened on a play where he was untouched. And it happened to one of the league’s toughest and most durable receivers. He was making the same cut he’s made 100 times in games this year (and likely 1,000 times in practice) on a dry, grass field. Sometimes weird shit happens. And if it had happened in practice — an event as likely (if not more) as probable as doing it in a game — would folks be saying, “Why was Welker practicing?” Of course not. Because that’d be retarded.

Anyway, anyone who wrote a “Jim Caldwell shouldn’t have pulled his starters” last week column is automatically DQ’d from being allowed to write one saying that Welker shouldn’t have been in the game. That should eliminate 90 percent of all columnists. For the other 10 percent who are considering questioning Welker playing today, here’s a thought: Don’t. You’ll only be embarrassing yourself.

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Sorry, Charlie. (Actually, Wait. I’m Not Sorry at All.)

Posted by Irregaahhdless

So, Notre Dame fired Charlie Weis today. Whatever. What’s bothering me is the coverage of it. ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt (and he’s not the only one to say something like this over the past few days) just noted that Weis’ firing came at the end of “a 6-6 season when many were forecasting a BCS run.”

Really? Many folks were forecasting that? Can you name more than one for me, please? Because the only fucktard I remember doing so back in August was Lou Holtz. Everyone else was saying things like, “Lou Holtz is a fucktard for thinking that Notre Dame is going to a BCS bowl.”

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In a Tourney of “Pointless Online Writers,” Joe Lunardi is a No. 1 Seed

Posted by Irregaahhdless

I don’t have time to say that much here. I’m really just posting to get on the record that:

a. I hate Joe Lunardi’s Bracketology. (And, really, Lunardi, too.)
b. Doing Bracketology is retarded.

Last week, Lunardi released his 2010 tournament bracket. It was the first week of November. Nobody had played a game. Yet he thinks he can not only forecast the participants in the NCAA Tournament, but also get them all slotted and seeded correctly. Bear in mind that, in his day-before-the-tournament bracket done the past four years, Lunardi has gotten a team seeded and slotted right the following number of times:

2009: 11 (best ever!)
2008: 7
2007: 4
2006: 7

So we have them all in one place, his picks are being screenshot (click for full size) and saved right here:

Anyway, considering Lunardi averages about 7.5 correct picks per year (and when I say “correct,” I mean he gets the team, region and seed right), when he does this 24 hours before the tournament, how many is he going to get right here? I’m going with no more than three. And, really, if you’re doing something where you’re only getting 3 out of 65 right, what the F is the point? I mean, they really pay him for this?

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I’m “On Track” to Write a Post Bitching About Verizon

I’ve been traveling a lot this month, so I’ve been using my cell phone a bit more than normal (some work conference calls; some “why the hell aren’t you at the airport to pick me up yet, jackass!” calls). Today, I received the following text from Verizon:

Your account is on track to exceed your voice minutes this month. Call 866-884-2813 for a price plan evaluation.

My initial thought was, “What fine customer service there. Thanks, Verizon!” Then I went to the Verizon site to check my usage. Turns out, I’m already at 550 minutes for the month. My monthly allowance is 450 minutes.

Wow, I wonder what gave them an indication that I was “on track” to shatter my minute limit. Maybe the fact that I was already 100 minutes over (at 45 cents/minute) at the time!

Note to Verizon: When one has already done something, one is no longer “on track” to do it. It’s done. At what point did you geniuses note that Cal Ripken was “on track” to break Lou Gehrig’s streak? Game 2,137? 2,498?

(And fix your website while you’re at it, F-tards. It shouldn’t take two logins and 90 seconds for you to access my account information.)

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All This Fuss Over Jeff Fisher? Really?

Posted by Irregaahhdless

It seems to me that Fisher’s gotten a lot of mileage out of barely losing the Super Bowl to the Rams. (Side note: Anyone who says that the Titans lost that game “by a yard” is an f-ing moron. First off, just because Kevin Dyson stretched the ball to within a yard of the goal line doesn’t mean that’s where the refs would have spotted the ball if time hadn’t run out. He was actually down about the two-yard line. Second, the Titans were down by seven at the time. So the TD wouldn’t have won the game for them, as folks seem to suggest it would. So I’d like the 11 Titans fans who make this claim to shut up now. Thank you.) And, besides that, wasn’t that game, like, a decade ago?

Even if Super Bowl XXXIV isn’t the reason Fisher has stuck around so long, I think everyone can agree that the Titans flat-out suck this season. Sunday’s 59-0 loss to the Patriots saw more than a few players simply going through the motions and looking like they’d prefer to be anywhere but a snowy football field in Foxboro.

Look, he's got a beard! How gritty! Would you like an undeserved three-year extension?

Look, a beard! How gritty! Would you like an undeserved three-year extension?

Yet, despite being at the helm of a football team that’s terrible and has no apparent interest in, you know, actually playing football, Fisher seems above reproach. (On today’s episode of “Pardon the Interruption,” Peter King, Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon seemed so distraught at the very notion that the Titans could be considering firing Fisher that you’d almost expect them to hold a telethon if the axe fell. And they’re not the only ones.) And I guess my question is: Why the hell is that?

In 14 full seasons and parts of two others as Oilers/Titans coach (Fisher coached the final six games of 1994 and the first six of 2009), Fisher has assembled a career record of 128-108. For the sake of doing some easy math, let’s say he goes 2-2 (yeah, that’s probably too generous, but whatever) in his next four games. That would leave his lifetime regular-season mark at 130-110 through 15 full seasons. That’s an average of 8.67 wins against 7.33 losses a year.

As Bill Parcells once said, “You are what your record says you are.” And, over the past 15 seasons, Jeff Fisher’s record shows that he’s a smidge above average as a football coach. So the Titans should definitely keep him — provided they’ve enjoyed 15 years of inconsistent results. (Oh and early playoff losses. Don’t forget those!)

Folks can go on an on about what a “tough” coach Jeff Fisher is and how great it is that he “respects the game” and how he’s the “longest-tenured coach in the league.” Whatever. All that means is that the Titans have had a mediocre coach who yells at guys for a long time. Good for them.

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Just Get a Messenger Bag, For Chrissakes!

Posted by Irregaahhdless

I judge people. All the time. I’m really good at it. And I make large, sweeping generalizations at the same time. Here’s one:

If you use a wheeled briefcase, I hate you.

briefcase

We’ve got a few folks toting these around the office. Every time I see them, I think to myself:

a. Are you really taking that much work home?

b. Is a shoulder strap really all that taxing?

c. Why do I find you reprehensible?

d. Seriously, what the hell are you toting around in that thing? I’ve had meetings with you. You’re an idiot. You can’t be lugging around anything that’s worthwhile. Does your lunch weigh 78 pounds or something?

Anyway, F you, wheeled briefcase users. You are the recumbent bicyclists of the working set.

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DirecTV Rewards Your Loyalty by Trying to Steal $10 a Month From You

Posted by Irregaahhdless

The lads at Deadspin already tore DirecTV a new one earlier this week. (Go read that. Really. I don’t mind. It’s excellent.) But in honor of my buddy Marc getting DirecTV installed at his new house today (in 43-degree, rainy weather to boot; no chance that goes well), I serve up this story as more proof that if DirecTV ever loses the rights to Sunday Ticket, they’ll be in business for roughly 11 more days, tops.

So I go online this morning to get my DirecTV bill. Since I’m equal parts OCD and cheap, I scour every line to see what’s F-ed up. They don’t disappoint. I see the following item on there:

09/01  11/30  SPORTS Loyalty Gift: 3 Months Free    0.00

Since I had to call DirecTV anyway to cancel HBO and Cinemax now that my “three months at half-price” deal is over (DirecTV won’t let you cancel these things online, since that would deny the customer of a quick, easy transaction without being read a 250-word script about all the championship boxing I’ll miss when I cancel; and, really, who’d want that?), I ask: “What the hell is this Sports Loyalty Gift?”

As it turns out, I’ve been getting the Sports Pack for free for a month and a half now. (Goddammit! How many motocross marathons have I been missing on the Speed Network?) And I’ll continue to get it for free for another month and a half. Of course:

a. I don’t recall receiving any notification about this. (I mean, maybe they sent me a message on the TV about it. But does anyone ever check those things?)

b. I ask the woman, “At the end of the three months, will this just stop showing up? Or do I have to call and cancel?”

The answer to the latter is, of course, that I have to call and cancel. If I don’t, I’ll be charged for the Sports Pack until I call and cancel it. And I can’t tell the woman on the phone right now, “Please cancel it on 11/29.” Apparently, that’s not possible. (Seriously, it’s really going to be something when DirecTV’s billing system moves off that lone Commodore 64.)

So, basically, DirecTV is preying on my “loyalty” by giving me something I don’t want and then continuing to charge me after the item I didn’t want in the first place isn’t free any more. Why don’t they just reward my loyalty by punching me in the dick?

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